His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
