: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
