Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
