FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
