I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
