I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
