all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
