Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
