JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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