I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
