Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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