I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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