I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
