chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
