Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
