Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Randomize
