you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
