I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
