All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
