worst night to have a conscience
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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