there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
