the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
