Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
