Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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