...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
