now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
