I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
