i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
