Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Randomize
