Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
