I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
is it fun? or sober?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
