Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
