I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
