this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
