I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
