I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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