Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
