seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
