Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Randomize
