so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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