hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
