On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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