So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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