too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
