She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
