I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
