I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
