Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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