I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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