I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
